Repair Attempts Examples: 30 Ways to Calm a Fight

6 min read · The Map

Repair attempts examples include short phrases like "Can we start over?", a well-timed joke, reaching for their hand, or simply saying "I'm getting overwhelmed, can we slow down?" A repair attempt is any word or gesture that stops a fight from spiraling. They're small, often clumsy, and they work best when the other person notices and accepts them.

If your repair attempts keep bouncing off (or you don't know what you do mid-fight), The Map helps you see your own pattern after an argument and gives you one small step each evening. Find where you stand

What a repair attempt is

Psychologist John Gottman, who studied couples in conflict for decades, uses "repair attempt" to mean any statement or action, silly or serious, that keeps negativity from escalating out of control. In his work, how well couples make and accept these attempts matters more than whether they fight at all.

Define repair attempts, in one line

A repair attempt is a bid to lower the temperature of an argument without abandoning it.

That second half is important. A repair attempt isn't surrender, and it isn't changing the subject forever. It's a pause button that both of you can press.

The Gottman Institute publishes a repair checklist (the "repair attempts Gottman PDF" many people search for) that groups phrases into themes such as I feel, Sorry, Get to yes, I need to calm down, Stop action and I appreciate. The examples below follow a similar spirit, in plain everyday language.

Thirty examples: words, humour, touch

Pick three or four that sound like you. A repair attempt that sounds like a script from a textbook will land badly.

Words that slow things down (1 to 10)

1. "Can we start over? I'll go first."
2. "I'm getting too heated. Give me ten minutes."
3. "I think we're on the same side here."
4. "Let me try saying that again, nicer."
5. "You're right about that part."
6. "I'm sorry. That came out harsher than I meant."
7. "What do you need from me right now?"
8. "I love you, and I'm frustrated. Both are true."
9. "Can we focus on just this one thing?"
10. "Help me understand what you meant."

Humour that breaks the tension (11 to 18)

Humour is a powerful repair attempt in relationships, but only if it's with them, never at them.

11. An inside joke you both still laugh at.
12. Slipping into a silly voice: "Your honor, I'd like to request a snack break."
13. "Okay, we're both being ridiculous. Truce?"
14. Mock-dramatic white flag (a sock works).
15. "On a scale of one to ten, how dumb is this fight?"
16. Quoting a line from a show you watch together.
17. "Can we pause and pretend we're calm people?"
18. Making the face they always make, gently.

Touch and gestures (19 to 24)

19. Reaching for their hand mid-sentence.
20. Sitting next to them instead of across from them.
21. Bringing a glass of water without saying anything.
22. A hug with "I don't want to fight."
23. Softening your posture: uncrossing arms, lowering your voice.
24. Putting your phone away to show you're listening.

Repair attempts by text (25 to 30)

When the argument is happening over messages, repair phrases for couples need to be even shorter.

25. "I don't want to do this over text. Call later?"
26. "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation."
27. "Sorry for that last message. Rewriting it."
28. A single heart after a tense exchange.
29. "Still love you, just need a minute."
30. "Can we talk about this when we're both home?"

How to notice their repair attempts

Here's the part most lists skip: your partner is probably already making repair attempts, and you might be missing them. Theirs may not look like yours.

Signs your partner is trying to repair:

• They change their tone, even slightly.
• They make a joke, even a bad one.
• They offer something practical ("Want me to make dinner?").
• They agree with any part of what you said.
• They go quiet in a softer way, not a colder way.

A failed repair attempt is often a perfectly good attempt that the other person was too flooded to see. When you catch one, name it: "I see you trying. Thank you." That alone can turn the whole argument.

Why some attempts fail

Repair attempts fail for predictable reasons:

1. Too late. Once both of you are flooded, words stop landing. Try earlier.
2. Mixed with blame. "I'm sorry, but you..." cancels the sorry.
3. Used to dodge. If every joke ends the topic permanently, your partner learns that repair means "we'll never talk about this."
4. Wrong language. A hug-person offering touch to a space-person can backfire.
5. Background score. When a relationship has been tense for weeks, even good attempts get read negatively.

That last one is worth sitting with. Repair works better on a foundation of everyday warmth, which is why healthy couple habits and small daily moments matter so much.

The tricky bit is knowing which repair attempts fit you. Some people need to reach toward their person fast; others need space first, and judging yourself mid-fight rarely helps. The Map's 18 quick taps include what you do after an argument, so your dot lands in a region and your evening cards match how you actually handle conflict. Find where you stand

Practising them

Repair attempts feel awkward the first few times, so practise when you're calm.

A repair attempts questionnaire you can do together

Sit down on a good day and each answer:

• What's one thing I can say mid-fight that would help you soften?
• What's one thing that makes it worse?
• Do you want space or closeness when things get heated?
• What's our "pause" word?

Write the answers down somewhere you'll both see. Agreeing on a code word (anything silly, like "pineapple") gives you a repair attempt neither of you can misread.

Try one this week

Choose one example from the list above. The next time a small disagreement starts, use it early, before either of you is heated. Small reps on small fights are how you get good at it for big ones. If the fight already happened, our guide on how to reconnect after a fight walks through the next seven steps.

Know your conflict pattern tonight

The best repair attempts examples are the ones that fit how you really react. In about three minutes, The Map places your dot in one of four regions, and each evening sends one five-minute card picked for that region. You press Done, write one line, and every Sunday a four-tap re-map shows which way your dot is moving.

Find where you stand

FAQ

What is a repair attempt in a relationship?

A repair attempt is any word or gesture that stops an argument from escalating, like an apology, a joke, a touch, or asking for a break. Gottman's research popularized the term, and it describes lowering the temperature rather than giving up on the issue.

What are some examples of repair attempts in an argument?

"Can we start over?", "I'm getting too heated, give me ten minutes," "You're right about that part," a shared inside joke, or reaching for their hand. The best ones are short and sound like you.

Why do repair attempts fail?

Usually because they come too late, carry blame ("sorry, but..."), or get used to avoid the topic forever. Sometimes the attempt is fine but the other person is too flooded to notice it.

Is there a Gottman repair attempts checklist or PDF?

Yes, the Gottman Institute publishes a repair checklist that groups phrases into themes such as "I feel," "Sorry," "I need to calm down" and "I appreciate." It's a good starting point, but rewrite the phrases in your own words.

How do you get better at making repair attempts?

Practise on small disagreements when you're calm, agree on a shared pause word, and learn what helps your partner soften. Naming their attempts out loud ("I see you trying") makes both of you more likely to keep making them.